(Originally published on saltycee.com, a satire site.)
Much ado has been heard (and the writer is an expert at recognizing ado when I hear it) over the so-called government shutdown, which involves no governing whatsoever, shuts down very few government dysfunctions, and forces many lower level bureaucrats to work without pay in a fond salute to the practice formerly known as “slave labor.”
As a counterpoint to the current gloomy scenario, in an effort to restore what little faith Americans may yet have in the cave denizens of Washington D.C., it is only fitting that we make mention of the many government START-UPS scheduled for 2019. These new agencies, laws, and programs should induce a sense of comfort in the human breast, knowing that our lawmakers and bureaucrats are at least as capable as a family of crested gibbons.
So here are some of the undermentioned and underappreciated government startups scheduled for 2019”
1} The Temperature-Normative communications act: This law makes it illegal for anyone with a fever registering over 99.7 degrees Fahrenheit to express him/herself on social media. The thought is that this will greatly curtail the sort of heated interchange that has erased civility from our social and political discourse.
This may seem to be quite a technological challenge but Google CEO Sundar Pichai says they have been working on a technology that accomplishes this goal and should be able to roll it out no later than June 31. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey states they are way ahead on this, and have actually been running a trial implementation of tempquench (their proprietary fever censorship technology} on conservative tweeters for the past seven months. Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook stated they will not share illness-related data with any health insurance companies or the manufacturer of Theraflu,.
Government enforcement expenses should be minimal, as all three CEO’s stated they were happy to comply, and the threat to remove their testicles if they said no was totally unnecessary.
2.} B.R.A—the Bubblegum Recycling Agency: every year, tens of thousands of innocent Americans are horribly inconvenienced by the used bubblegum wad they stepped on adhering to the bottom of their shoe. In an effort to drastically reduce this dreaded nuisance, the congress has authorized the newly-created B.R.A , charged with implementing a bubblegum recycling program to go in effect by May 1, the official start of the bubblegum season.
Methods for enforcement remain under debate, but most-favored at this point is a ten-cent deposit on each piece of bubble gum sold (refunded when the chewed wad is returned), and/or a fine of $500 for each instance of bubble gum littering, the proceeds of which will be conveyed to the education arm of the American Dental Association. After paying the fine, the parents, it is expected, will have further consequences for their careless offspring.
3.) A.A.A—the Acronym Arbitration Agency: for those inclined to chortle at the acronym for the above agency, congress has authorized the creation of an agency to review , consider any objections from the citizenry, and approve or deny all proposed acronyms. Any business, charity, or political action group which wishes to adopt an acronym must first submit it to the A.A.A., which then has 280 days to receive feedback from all interested parties and come to a decision.
A certain organization generally associated with travel, insurance, and other automobile-related activities has objected vigorously to the acronym for this agency, Senator John Lawless who originally sponsored the legislation that created it responded “Well, now they have a place to register their objections.”
Space limitations prohibit me from further exposition of all the wonderful things your government has in store for you in the coming year. For further info, check out the website nowheretobefound.com.