Weird blackmail contest

The president is suspected of having sex with a Playboy bunny and paying to keep it quiet.  This makes as much sense to me as suspecting Dale Earnhardt of driving a race car.  However, it did give me an idea.

ANNOUNCING

A NEW, FUN, WEEKLY CONTEST

The funniest, weirdest, and most original submission of a bogus blackmail note each week will receive a free Kindle copy of the book My Brain Has A Mind Of Its Own by the dashing and hilarious Richard M. Rose. 

(Okay, I admit it’s a cheap prize and this is shameless self-promotion, but c’mon guys, this should be fun.)

The winner will be determined by a distinguished panel of judges (me and my wife) and receive the download link for the book in their email if they are brave enough to provide one. (I will not publish anyone’s email address on the website.  Then again, this is a blackmail contest.)

The contest will run from Monday to Saturday with winner announced, their entry posted, and prize awarded on the following Monday.  The contest will run as long as there is interest, although I’m not specifying whose.

I would insert the common contest disclaimers here, but I don’t know what they are. If no worthy entries are received, boy will I be bummed.  No guarantees. If at first you don’t succeed, try again, you might catch me in a better mood. Submit your entry through the email link on the home page if you can find it, or simply email it to canatteringwallywhompit@outlook.com, with a heading of  “contest entry” or “I’m no Nigerian prince.”

Here is an example to start you off.  I’m sure you can do better.

 

Hare-raising blackmail

rabbit shadow

Dear disgusting one,,

You will no doubt be dismayed to hear that we are in possession of some very compromising video in which you are the star, showing  your engagement in a game of “twitchy-nose” with a bunny.  Although the video is a bit grainy, we are fairly certain it is either a French Angora or a German Lop, and we are confident we can produce witnesses if needed.  You will, of course, recognize the participants and the truth of the matter.

If you do not wish this video to become public, you must do as follows:

  1. Donate three bags of rabbit kibble to your local ASPCA.
  2. Place a small bouquet of Sweet William on the grave of Beatrix Potter.
  3. Recite three passages from Watership Down while standing on one foot.

Do not think that  your lucky rabbit’s foot will help you now. These instructions must be followed to the letter or you will be publicly exposed for the pervert you are.  You have one week from the receipt of this communication to accomplish all three steps or your standing in the eyes of lagomorph lovers  will be ruined forever.

 

And while you’re here, check out some older blog posts.  A lot of them are really funny.  NO, REALLY!